May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
