How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
