There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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