Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
