Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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