Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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