i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
