Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
