he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
