my sisters under your porch take her home
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
