I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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