his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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