Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
