You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
