she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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