Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
