her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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