I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
