Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
