I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
