when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
