i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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