Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
