i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
