he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
