so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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