remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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