I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
bring money and cleavage
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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