oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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