Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
