Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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