Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
