my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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