My friends, they love my intelligence
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
