You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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