If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
