Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
