Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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