Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
