I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
