I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
