the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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