My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
