I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
