i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
