She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
