so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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