Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
