everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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