just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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