Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
